CLEAN

brandon

Ryan Kim, age 18, died suddenly of a heart attack during a cold October night. Top medical researchers at Harvard University concluded that the sudden failure was likely due to artery blockage caused by overconsumption of chicken tenders at Maseeh Late Night. Or because his heart could no longer take being called Brandon. Beloved by all, Ryan Kim was known for his brilliance and quick thinking. Taking dummy-hard classes as a freshman and becoming an official in the MIT Poker Club, Ryan was bound to major in Course 18 and 6-3 and sell out. “He had so much potential,” remarks a recruiter at Jane Street. He also kinda sang sometimes. Most importantly, Kim played tennis, spoke Spanish, and watched American Ninja Warrior in his free time. A true quirky king. He will be missed by all. Except the residents of Maseeh because they have no culture.

cathy

Thousands of years ago, the iron-fisted Axe Gang reigned over Canton. Although times were desperate, Cathy singlehandedly provided for her small village, a haven of safety within the destructive rule of the Gang. One day, after a minor disturbance, a few Gang members attacked a barber in the village, but Cathy quickly routed them with her kung fu skills. The Gang returned the next day with reinforcements, only to be stunned again by Cathy’s supernatural abilities. Out of options, the Gang recruited the most advanced fighters in the world to challenge Cathy: the Harpists, two lethal assassins who used the power of music to swiftly slay enemies. But the Harpists could never have expected Cathy’s mythical vocal abilities. Repeatedly creating impeccable harmonies with gusto and precision, Cathy’s voice stopped their attacks with ease and saved the village from destruction. After her victory, Cathy retreated to the rural plains of Idaho and trained, studying mathematics and physics to perfect her abilities. And now, after thousands of years in the famed Youn Garts program, under the influence of Frank Ocean and Tyler the Creator, Cathy’s voice will find its greatest purpose yet: singing tenor for the MIT Logarhythms.

nick