BARS

LLEYTON

Long ago, in Ancient Florida, there was a heated argument amongst the gods—they could not agree upon who had the greatest dominion. Although they had been living in harmony for many eons, the conflict that erupted was so great that the long and hot corner of America was at risk of extinction. Luckily though, just as the God of Magnets was about to create the two hugest masses of neodymium known to godkind and create a sandwich out of his peers, a television broadcasting the latest episode of America’s Got Talent attracted to his body and stuck to his face. Quite literally like the story of Isaac Newton and the apple, a brilliant idea fell on to him that he proposed to all the other gods. Instead of fighting each other, they would each choose a baby child, bless them with the talent of their choosing, and on their eighteenth birthday send them off to America’s Got Talent to see whose human would emerge victorious. And so the gods spread out, each looking for the right baby human to give their prowess to. First came down the God of Music, who blessed the child they found with the strongest and most beautiful vocal chords. Then came down the God of Wooden Sticks, who gave their child the power to push water really really well with big wooden planks. Third came down the God of Busyness, making their child quite busy. Fourth came down the God of Magnets, who made their child quite attractive, especially if they did a charismatic half smirk. Finally came down the God of Legos, who made their child really fidgety, not sure exactly what they would use it for, but hoping it would somehow serve them well in one way or another. All the gods, pleased with their work, returned back to the heavenly realm, excitedly waiting for their children to grow up and become the next big idol. All was going according to plan until they all bumped into each other in the mortal world bringing a birthday cake for their child’s 18th birthday. Suspicious about the coincidence, for the first time they all checked in with each other about the child that they picked. How could this be? Miraculously, every god had unknowingly chosen the same child… Lleyton Elliott! Each god had always wondered why growing up, the boy had so many other talents, but never gave it much thought. With the blessings from all the gods, the wonderboy with his stunning half smirk, charming voice, and busyness, was sure to climb the ranks of America’s Got Talent and win, but the gods, fearing that they had given him too much power (and also feeling salty that they had waited 18 years for nothing), turned poor Lleyton into a tree and banished him from Florida to the secluded realm of MIT. Although he never made it to the big screen, some say that if you wake up early enough, you can see him drifting around singing in the charles river.

REUBEN

The last note reverberated through the air, reaching even the most stoic of audience members as they dabbed at their eyes–before quickly glancing around to check that no one witnessed their emotional vulnerability. Thunderous applause filled the theater as the cast took a final bow to a standing ovation of thousands, each having flown in from all corners of the globe just to see this show. Leaving through the theater doors, it was as if a great melancholy weighed down on the hearts of the audience. Alas, as a wise philosopher [must have] said, human nature’s reliance on escapism is responsible for the success of most art and the irresponsibility of most people, and the end of this show marked a return to reality that no one desired.

It was in the midst of this begrudging exit that all the lights went out once again. Suddenly, the central spotlight shone on a sole figure standing on the stage. He donned a baseball cap—befitting of even the most exclusive fraternities—that concealed his face and the thickest of winter coats, despite it being only the beginning of Massachusetts September. The masses murmured in confusion, glancing around in the darkness. It was then that he pulled out a microphone and began to hum a tune, in a voice deep enough to reach the deepest of children’s inflatable pools. Anyone who had continued heading for the exit stopped in their tracks to look toward the stage.

With a snap of his fingers, the brilliant stage lights all flashed on and he tossed his hat aside to reveal hair of a simultaneously ambiguous and undeniably vibrant color. Unbeknownst to them, this man, who went by the name of Reuben Fuchs, had been observing them for the entire duration of the show. His passion for performing had driven centuries of the honing of his craft, to the point that he could discern anyone’s deepest fears and greatest aspirations by the way they blinked. On the stage, he sang song after song, bouncing from the most upbeat of musical theater classics to the most soulful of ballads. Not a single audience member budged; those who were mid-step up the stairs were frozen in place, and those who were in their seats remained glued where they were. His dynamic renditions inspired more creativity than they had ever imagined they could have; the oscillations of his vibrato shook them to their very core. To this day, it remains a mystery how long this performance lasted. There are few witnesses who have been willing to share the peculiar happenings of that evening, and among them, some say it lasted minutes, others say decades. What is known, however, is that in that magical theater, Reuben Fuchs transported these people to another realm, another dimension of existence, with the art of his performance. The world was—no, it is—his stage. We can only hope that one day this legendary being will return.

JOHNNY

It began in the corners of Hunter College High School;

A disease so persistent, so cruel, it sneaks in people’s orifices and makes them act like a fool.

Rampaging its way through New York then spreading down to Massachusetts;

The Contagious Jonathan Virus is known for causing any person to act like a doofus.

If a loved one is unsure if they have been affected by the disease above,

Common symptoms consist of: 

Wide eyed-innocence, 

Skateboard accidents, 

Non-stop dancing and humming while walking along,

Failure to memorize the words to any song,

The ability to lower your IQ in one breath,

Death.

Civilians, desperate to maintain their demeanor so demure,

have all been clamoring for a cure.

Luckily, MIT BioTech labs engineered the Zhang Vaccine,

the finest antidote there has ever been.

Administration is required for every girl and dude;

Side effects may include: 

Never ending optimism and smiles,

Having the most adorable face for miles,

Wanting to ball out a lot,

Frequently generating lyrics on the spot,

A life-long dream to fly,

The desire to write songs that make everyone jump, dance, and cry.

One young soul miscounted his injections and doubled his dose;

He is now the twig we love most.

The extra injection was at first quite alarming; But it resulted in a face so cute, a heart so pure, and a voice so charming.

Shortly after being welcomed to MIT’s most talented singing gang,

He was renamed after his overdose and is now honored as Jonathan Zhang.